Hi, this is Shelley's blog. You should read it.

Patience

2006-12-18T23:03:00.000-08:00

I have heard a lot about patience in my life, especially in the church. Patience is a good thing. It is a fruit of the Spirit. It paves the way to deep beauty in our lives- any wise person would agree that patience is necessary to live a life that truly honors God.

Often when I speak to someone about a difficult situation in my life, the well-meaning advice is usually this- "God wants you to be patient". Sometimes the advice goes as far as telling me to proactively pray for patience. Most of the time, this great advice. But is it always?

What if sometimes the Spirit wants us to pray with an urgency? I think that sometimes patience is the last thing we ought to be praying for! Perhaps sometimes the enemy is pleased that we are piously praying for patience- after all, we could have prayed for leigons of angels to attend to us and the Spirit to fight for us in the day of evil, and that just may ruin all his plans. How better for him that we merely pray for endurance as he causes us to suffer!

I have been rocked by this quote from Karl Rahner lately: "Sometimes we merely pray for the strength to endure evil, rather than praying against evil itself". I used to subscribe to a form of fatalistic Calvinism, where I thought that every shitty thing that happened to me was purely from God. I don't think this anymore. Now don't get me wrong- God is never suprised. The enemy is ultimately His servant rather he likes it or not. But I am begining to understand that we are in the middle of a deep spiritual battle, and under attack is every bit of life, beauty, and joy this side of heaven. And I am the daughter of the One who will win the battle- may I never doubt the dignity of that, and that my prayers are indeed a powerful weapon that causes the enemy to tremble and retreat in fear of the One who sealed his fate on the cross.

2006-11-19T23:43:00.000-08:00

I have been learning things lately that I cannot put into words- things filled with paradox and mystery, beauty and pain, peace and joy. So bear with me as I try to find words to write in this blog.

But here is what I can say- life is really beautiful, God is so good. He is so intimately involved with our lives, it amazes me. He is saying "I love you" in so many ways lately that I have lost count, and am completely overwhelmed. More details later.

Ruth pt 2

2006-10-22T21:45:00.000-07:00

So here is my epiphany:

God cherishes our dreams. They are beautiful and precious before Him, and were even His dreams before they were ours. So why would He crush them?

If the object of our dreams becomes an idol, you better believe that He will crush them. It's the most loving thing He can do. Otherwise, the validly good gift that we desire will be destroyed, sacrificed to a lesser god, and never truly enjoyed as an act of worship to Yahweh- and He gives us gifts in order to worship Him as the Giver. But is He ever jealous.

I have never thought of myself as an idolator. I know my theology- I am a sinner, and Jesus died on the cross so that I could be reconciled with God. But never before have I deeply seen the weight of the sin that I am powerless against. And never before have I deeply relished in the fact that my sin is completely nailed to the cross.

The nature of this sin isn't one that I chose. It wasn't willful, as if I daily made a conscious decision to pursue this lesser thing. However, I couldn't just decide to stop- it wasn't even something I could comprehend. Instead, it was one that overwhelmed me, and completely submerged me in it's waters. It tainted my every thought. I have heard surfers and divers talk about getting the bends- when your senses no longer tell you which way is up or down, and you are completely disoriented and therefore cannot make sound judgement. In the song "the Bends", Thom York laments the alienation that he feels because his friends seem to have this sickness. I grieve over that fact that I have hurt people that I love deeply in my idolatry. But I am so thankful that God is using this present time to forgive me, purge me of my sin, and make me more like Jesus.

I have never felt so powerless over sin before in my life. And I have never relished this deeply in grace before. I pray that Christ would indeed nail this to the cross so that I and the people I love would bear it no more. I have never cherished the miracle of redemption more than I do at this moment, where my one and only plea is that the blood of Jesus covers me.

I'm gonna go hang out with homeless people tomorrow with the yearning that the God who is bringing forth my healing will bring forth theirs. This healing is never anything short of a miracle.

Ruth

2006-10-16T01:04:00.000-07:00

In the past when I have read the book of Ruth, I have always seen the book like this: Naomi is bad, Ruth is good. And that's kinda true. But lately I have had a bit more sympathy for Naomi.

Naomi was a widow whose 2 son's had died (aka she had absolutely no one to take care of her daily needs.) Plus, there was a famine in the land. She had God given needs that were not being met. Was it so wrong for her to send ruth and orpah back to Moab where they could find husbands to care for them? Was it so unfair for her to claim that God had set himself against her? Was she unreasonable in wanting to change her name from happy to bitter?

I am seeing now that the ruth good/ naomi bad thing isn't really accurate. It's more of this- Naomi was normal and reasonable (thought still quite flawed), but Ruth had absolutely supernatural faith. This was the same faith that caused barren and elderly Abraham and Sarah to believe that their descendants would outnumber the stars.

I believe in God. I trust Him. And this is the greatest cause of my suffering. He wounds me. And then after He heals me, He wounds me again. And again. And again. And again. I get all excited that even thought Job had to suffer, the story ends with him recieving twice as much as God took. I think "woah, what's coming to me next- it's gotta be good!" Signs point to blessing, and I become hopeful. And then He wounds me again, and once again crushes my dreams. I am weary of this cycle, so weary. It seems He can't be trusted.

Today for me to believe that God is merciful, kind, benevolent, good, and loving in His plans for me is supernatural and unnatural. Most of what He has done in my life in the last 5 years has screamed otherwise. Yet I believe. Sometimes I start to think that Buddhists may be on to something- if I could just say that pain is an illusion, I wouldn't have to suffer. But Buddhism is full of shit, so that's not an option.

I heard His voice and followed it yet again, and the result is more pain, and the pain is progressively worse. Mother Teresa once said "God, if this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you have so few."

My calling is to tell the world that Jesus loves them, and that they should follow Him. How can I do that when I know that I am inviting them into a relationship with a God who seems to take away more than He gives?

Romans 8:28

2006-09-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever asked you what your "life verse" is? When I was younger I thought it was some kind of rule that all "mature" christians had to have one. People would ask me what mine was, and I would usually just lie and spout one off to sound spiritual. The usuals were Proverbs 3:5, or that one in Isaiah about God knowing the plans He has for us (which is actually talking about Israel), and also Romans 8:28, where we are promised that God is working out all things for our good.

Kind, well meaning Christians in my past tightly held on to these promises. To sum it up, they took these verses to mean that everything was going to be ok; that God would make life as comfortable and easy as possible. It was a kind of insurance policy that allowed them to sleep better at night, so that they would not have to confront the reality that the God who made these promises might actually lead them out into the wilderness.

So in Romans 8:28 we are told that God is working out all things for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His glorious purpose. But what is that "good" thing that God is working in our lives? Is He working all things out for our comfort? No. The "good" thing is that we would be "conformed into the likeness of His Son". That we would become more like Jesus.

So God has promised that He will work all things in order to make His children more like Jesus. Sometimes (not often) this happens thru comfort. Sometimes this happens by pain. However it happens, it is our greatest good and deepest joy. I thank God for my pain, because without it I would not intimately know the love and beauty of God in the way I do now. I would not have the deep, overwhelming joy that today is mine- the kind of joy that only comes by being completely in love with Jesus Christ. I found that love in the wilderness.

Sticky sandals...

2006-08-19T12:35:00.000-07:00

Dave Chapelle's son spilled lemonade all over me today. My feet were sticky. Yay for Ohio.

Epiphany on fasting...

2006-08-07T22:41:00.000-07:00

I have always wondered what on earth was the deal with all the fasting in the Bible. Jesus did it a lot, and Paul instructed the early church to do so regularly. Especially troublesome was how we are told very explicitly to do it as Christ-followers, even though I rarely knew of any Christians doing it. I read about it, and even tried to do it a few times (which my anemia did not appreciate), but I just did not get it. So I asked God a long time ago to tell me what the big deal was. What could be the spiritual benefit in being hungry? How does it help prayer? Isn't that asceticism?

I think I'm beginning to understand...

Sometimes we decide to refrain from something for the sake of prayer, and we call it fasting. Other times we have a really deep hunger for a valid thing (i.e a fulfilling job, marriage, peace, healing, ministry, etc.) and God says "You can't have that good thing for now." We ask Him for it. We try to grow and learn, because maybe if we finally understand that thing that He's been trying to teach us, we'll be ready for whatever it is that we yearn for and He will give it to us. So we learn and grow, and we still don't get what we want. God says no. But I am beginning to think that this is a kind of fasting too, except it is a kind of fasting that God chooses for us.

Today I decided to fast so that I could seek God regarding some of the deep desires that He has put on my heart, the things that He has decided to withhold from me for this season. I also fasted in order to interceed for the body of Christ, as well as for the world. I yearned to eat leftover cheesecake, but I didn't. In my hunger I prayed. I asked God for a fulfilling job, and for help with my school debt- and I want this so that my daily energy and resources will go to promote His kingdom on this earth. I asked for true Shalom in Uganda and Sudan, because I really want those people to deeply enjoy the life that God had given them. I prayed that my sick friends would be healed. I asked God to give me a man after His own heart, who is gifted and passionate in the same areas as me. I asked this so that we could live peacefully and promote God's peace through our relationship (I Cor 7), and also so that we could understand the deeper things of God by living life together. I prayed that my community and I may know God more deeply, and that He would use us to heal this broked world.

So here is what I discovered: there is a theme to each one of these requests. In all these things I wanted peace, intimacy, healing, fulfillment, and joy. So essentially, I wanted God's Kingdom to come. And I realized- as creations waits and groans for this Kingdom to be established, we are fasting! We do not have that which we ache for. Every human who has ever lived thirsts for this Kingdom, even if they do not realize it. This hunger gets pretty annoying, so in an attempt to fill it we earnestly try to turn stones into bread. We get used to this hunger and cope with its daily ache, and eventually we forget that we are hungry (though we never stop trying to satisfy our appetite.) So as I ached for food today in prayer, and as I ached for good things in my life and my community, I realized how much we ache for God's kingdom. Today we do not have that which we were created to enjoy- but we can pray for it. My hunger today fueled my prayers, and lead me see what the worlds deepest hunger is. Today I prayed for it with a new zeal, and I want it now more that I ever have.

So that's my epiphany for the day.

Going to Ohio...

2006-08-05T17:50:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna fly to Ohio tuesday night to see my family and friends back home, of whom I haven't seen since January. It is crazy how much my life has changed since then- there are all of these new experiences, people, places, lessons, etc that I won't really be able to explain to them. It is so weird to think that people that know me so well have no idea what the sumner house is, or rocky butte, or last thursdays- or even what truly good coffee tastes like. They don't know what Mt. Hood looks like, or how hard it has been for me to find a job, or what the coast is like from the top of cape lookout. On the converse it is weird that most of my dear friends here have never been to Yellow Springs, or given a crap about Ohio State football, nor can they remember what it was like to see a mountain for the very first time. It's just weird.

Because we are made in the image of a Triune God, we have a yearning to know and to be known. When we behold beauty, the enjoyment is often not as full until we have shared that experience with another. And when we experience pain, there is a kind of release when we communicate with someone else who understands because they have been there too. I guess there is a kind of loneliness in experiencing things that we cannot communicate, but it is a rule of life. But how precious is it that Jesus saw it all, and knows me intimatey?

By the way, I'm listening to Sigur Ros right now, and I wish you were too because it's really beautiful.

Ok fine, I'll blog more

2006-07-09T17:51:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the absence, I get lazy sometimes.

You know how people sometimes say that God doesn't cause bad things in life (i.e not having a job), but when they happen He uses them? I think that's a total load of crap, and not biblical at all. In Philippians Paul assures this church that his imprisonment is not at all frustrating the plans of God, and that his chains are actually from Him because He knows that this position was where God was most glorified in Paul's life. In Ruth, Naomi had no peace because she let her circumstances define her theology. It looked like God was not involved in her life, so she tried to manipulate her circumstances to secure her needs. She only succeeded in forfieting peace for herself, even though she was to be an ancestor of the Messiah. It is ironic that she wanted to change her name to Bitter, when she was to be so blessed! However, Ruth believed in the promises of the God of Jacob, even when it looked like He was forsaking her. This faith led her away from her homeland of Moab, where she had little hope of remarrying and being taken care of. God led her to the field of Boaz, and we all know how that story ends. When reunited with the brothers who sold him into slavery, Joseph said to them "You meant this for harm, but God MEANT this for good." Not used it for good. Meant it for good. I could go on and on about other places in the Bible where God's sovreignty is beautifully described.

So I do not think that my current state is a mere result of the fall, or the economy, or whatnot. This is where God has me, and somehow God is being glorified here. I am learning so much, and am growing closer to my community. I am seeing more and more things revealed about my character through this that could not have come up any other way. I am becomming more like Jesus, and growing closer to God.

I don't think we are robots, and we definately have free will. But God is very intimately involved in the lives of His children, and is working to use us to glorify Himself and promote His kingdom on this earth. This is a deep mystery. I think that people who see things differently are good people who love God, and want to get God off the hook when they see suffering in the world. However, I think this theology has man's interests and perspective at the center, instead of God's glory at the center (which is man's best interest!)

If not having a job is where God is most glorified in my life, then that's where I will be. But I can have the joy and assurance that Paul had, that God is working in my life to put me where I am knowing Him and making Him known in this world. This meant chains for Paul for a season, and freedom in another. We will see where God puts me. I know how faithful He is.

2006-06-23T11:14:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been pondering the whole "heart's desires" thing versus the whole "paying your bills" thing. I think that the most loving thing that I can do for this world is pursue my heart's desires, because that is where I will be the greatest blessing to people. I had two crappy jobs that I worked dilligently at, even though they royally sucked. God took them away from me. Everything that I pursue with the mentality of "I'll do this for a season so that I can save money" ends up hitting a brick wall. My pastor tells me that I ought to get a masters in a practical field, which I think is very wise advice. But I really really really really want to go to seminary. I can't get it out of my head, even though it would be hard financially. So what do I do? I don't friggin know.

2006-06-01T14:52:00.000-07:00

I'm currently sitting behind a desk at a marketing firm in downtown Portland on a temp assignment, because the usual receptionist took the day off. I think I've answered the phone like 3 times in 4 hours. This place is really posh, trendy and pretensious. They had me come in today not because they did'nt have time to answer the phones, but because they really believe that they are too good to do so themselves. It's kinda funny. These people have wanted to be cool since the 9th grade, and they're still trying 20 years later. Athletic accomplishments have been replaced with million-dollar business deals, binge drinking with the knowlegde of fine wines, pop music with with a sudden appreciation for the symphony. People will do anything to be cool- become a vegetarian, support a charity, hate the president, start eating sushi, buy a dog, learn to crochet, study the kaballah, pretend that the feng shui of their loft matters. They will do drugs to be cool, and years later lament about the pain of their past life to impress their new friends. I've even met some street kids who choose a life of homelessness in order to be cool. Let's not even go into all the things I do to be cool...

So why do we want so desprately to be cool? Is it all wrong? I think it has something to do with being made in the image of God. We validly want our Daddy to affirm us, to tell us that we have worth, that we are strong enough, that we are beautiful. We need to know that we are loved, and that we are a significant part of a community. However, we often seek through impressing other mortals things that can only be satisfied in being known intimately by God.

I am learning that there is a huge difference between seeking validation from people and seeking community with people. The former uses the things of this earth- philosophy, clever comebacks, a new dress, a high paying job, nonfat soy macchiattos, important friends, whatever- as a means to the end of feeling signifigant. In doing so, we take most of the enjoyment out of these things, and we obviously don't end up getting what we wanted in the first place. We are still lonely. However, the latter sees the beauty of the symphony, the taste of a pint of Guinness, the job you work hard at, or that cause that you are truly passionate about as gifts from God that we can enjoy together. Because our validation is from God alone we are free to enjoy these good gifts and amazing people together, instead of using these people to validate our own place in this world over theirs. And I really think that this is a foretaste of what Heaven will be like.

I am officially part of the blogging community

2006-05-29T20:08:00.000-07:00

Hi friends. Because I am always looking for new, creative ways to procrastinate, I have decided to become a blogger. That's a funny word, blogger. It sounds like booger, with an l. Heheheee. Most of the cool kids in my church community are doing it. And honestly, who doesn't want to be cool? I sure do. That would be rad.

So anyways, you should read my blog from time to time. I'll try to make it interesting, I promise. And I'll read yours too, unless it sucks.

Let the blogging begin!